Setback: My Story

Author’s Note: I originally wrote this as a reply to a question asked in an online forum, “Are you ambitious?”. I don’t know what prompted me to write such a long reply, but I thought you should know the context that I wrote this in.

I’m not fine being just “another guy”. I admit that I struggle at times with a lack of feeling any emotion. Sometimes it is hard to find the energy to work towards my goals. But I’m still here. I actually have had a burst of energy these last 3 days and I have been super productive. I wrote 30+ articles these 3 days. Don’t believe me? Go back and check the article dates. Know how many I wrote in the past several years? Around 5, and most of them of mediocre quality.

I have had ups and downs. I’ve been really, really high before. I accomplished a LOT in college. Although I didn’t get that many A’s and my GPA was ~3.2, I lived the life I wanted to live and if I had the chance, would make the same choices over again. I made many good friends and even more acquaintances, joined a fraternity, participated in another organization regularly for 4 years, took numerous roadtrips to other schools and states, and changed my body and mindset over the course of several years. I played basketball every chance I got. I spent my entire freshman year so scared of disappointing others on the court due to my lack of skill that I hustled as hard as I could, every single play. At the end of my 4 years, I was the one dominating the game. I came into college fat, overweight, and mentally weak. I had low self esteem and little confidence. By the time I left I had scored so many personal victories that I was developing quite an ego from all my success.

I recently have been on a long downward swing, which has lasted 2-3 years. There was a perfect storm of events that knocked me from my pedestal. Within about 6 months, I was hit with 5-6 harsh setbacks that brought me down to earth and even lower - they pummeled me into the ground. I was beat down and mentally weak. Depressed. Near death and suicide. For a long time I couldn’t concentrate at all. I was afraid I was losing my mind - that’s how bad it was. I couldn’t listen or focus on anything for more than a few seconds. My mind was so scattered - more scattered than it typically is. I admit that my mind can get lost in the clouds, but it can also focus and concentrate when it has to. But I couldn’t focus at all. Sometimes people would talk to me and my mind was unable to focus and process what they were saying. Any effort that required a sustained period of concentration was quite supremely failed. To this day I don’t even remember filing my taxes for one of the years. I must have done it, but I can’t recall the memory of doing it - it might not even have been saved. Come to think of it, my mind has been unable to remember some memories from that period. It probably wasn’t functioning normally - I think the mental trauma was just too much to handle and my mind just shut down.

A lot of time has passed. I quit my job and have slowly been going through my savings. I’m now broke, but it has been money well spent. I needed this break from work, from life, in order to recuperate and recover. Moving in with my close friends from home helped. I raised some kittens, which helped as well. I started working out again after a few years of not caring and letting myself go, and the act of struggling and working towards a goal gave me a renewed sense of purpose. With each small daily victory in the gym, I added a little bit to my treasury of inner strength and resolve. Slowly but surely my mind came back, and this time I know I am stronger for it.

Now I’m on the come up. I’m starting to work on those projects that I couldn’t focus on and I’m close to finishing most of them. I’ve gained more resolve from being down for so long. Honestly, I still don’t think much of myself at times. I believe i’m one of the most mentally weak people I know, especially when compared to one of my best friends. But the truth probably lies somewhere in between, and one thing I am sure of though is that there is no substitute for experience.